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| The kidlets harassing Dickens, their grandparents' cat |
My heart skips a little beat as I head
to the car. I have just left my kids at their grandparents' place for
about four and a half hours. I have an appointment this afternoon,
but this morning is FREE. Wow! I will have uninterrupted work time at
home for a couple hours at least, I tell myself. But first, I need to
stop by supermarket and pick up the weekly groceries. *sigh*
What's wrong with me? I ask myself. I
normally enjoy grocery shopping. Maybe it's because I miss the
kidlets and their amusing chatter and antics. That must be it.
But that's not it. In the very ordinary
task of doing the grocery shopping, I have had an epiphany. I am
grieving the loss of the anticipation of pleasure I used to
experience when grocery shopping. Woah,
back up lady! Aren't you being a little over-dramatic??
Okay,
let me explain how the epiphany came about. I was walking up and down
the aisles, grabbing the items on my list. Pretty ordinary thing to
do at the supermarket. But the difference today was that I
didn't have my kids with me to distract me from my internal
commentary. So I heard it loud and clear, and it went something like
this:
Chips.
You wish, sister. Walk on by, just walk on by. Oh, the kids are out
of bread, you'd better get some bread. Mmmmm, doesn't it just look
delicious? Remember that taste of fresh baked bread? Stop it, that's
not helpful. You don't eat bread anymore, remember? Now what treat
will help motivate Eliza this week with her toileting. Hmmm, the tiny
teddies variety pack I suppose. Oh my goodness,why do I just want to
guzzle these myself? Must make internal pact to not eat a single one,
because if I have one I won't be able to stop. Oh dear, fair trade
chocolate is on special. WANT WANT WANT!! No, stop it. You are on a
chocolate fast...
By
the time I hit the fruit and veggie area (which I leave til last), I
was feeling rather sad. I wanted to cry, and felt very silly for
wanting to cry. My internal monologue was sounding rather sarcastic
by now:
Oh
goody – green beans! Can't wait to snack on those. And look at these nice
fresh carrots, won't they be satisfying. Oh, and for an extra
exciting treat, here are some APPLES. Yum yum, right? Who would want
chocolate when there are delicious royal gala apples up for grabs?
It
kept going, but I think you get the picture. MAJOR PITY PARTY. Minus
the PARTY bit (sugar and fat filled food)! As I waited at the
register to pay, I unhappily noticed a big display a few metres from
me, declaring that if you haven't yet, you MUST try the new Lindt
carmel lindor balls.
Internal
tantrum ensued. What?? My
favourite chocolate – Lindt – have FINALLY put out a range of
lindor balls (my favourite kind of Lindt chocolate) in my favourite
flavour – caramel?? NOW, of all times, while I'm on a chocolate
fast!! That is just SO not fair!
That's
when it hit me - I am grieving the loss of the anticipation
of pleasure I used to experience when grocery shopping. It
wasn't a conscious anticipation, but I guess it was very much a part
of my shopping experience. And now it's gone.
As
I drove home, I gave in to the tears. I remembered a book I had
purchased online out of the blue on Friday, as I just felt prompted
to from an old scrap of a memory. It's
called “Thrilled to Death: how the endless pursuit of pleasure is
leaving us numb”. I don't particularly WANT to read it, but I felt
prompted to buy it anyway. And what do you think was waiting for me
as I drove into the driveway? Yep, the package with that book in it.
I had a wry chuckle at God's sense of humour and lugged the groceries
inside.
Don't
get me wrong – I do enjoy a healthy salad lunch, and the taste of
fruit. I just don't LOOK FORWARD to it. I don't experience a sense of
anticipation about the pleasure it will bring me. Because it doesn't
deliver a sensation of pleasure with each bite, and a sugar high that
carries me through the next couple hours. Instead, it delivers a much
more staid sense of wholesome “I know I made a good choice”
satisfaction. Which seems much more boring, but carries with it a
much more lasting positive consequence.
What
started initially as a quest to lose 20kg in a year (or preferably 6
months!) has turned into quite a journey of self-discovery and, more
importantly, a quest for a deeper experience of God's presence. I
keep learning rather embarrassing things about myself as I currently am, but
also gaining insight into who God wants to help me become.
I
know this may seem rather trivial to some. You know,
#firstworldproblems and all that. But, while the particular
manifestion may be a first world problem (having access and means to
purchase and consume too much unhealthy food), I believe the root
issue is one common to humankind. The quest to experience pleasure is
the drive for much of human behaviour. And what my head knows but my
heart is still in the process of discovering is this: that I already have full access to the truest and only lasting source of pleasure that there
is – intimacy with God.
In this moment, I know without a doubt that God is using this health quest I am on to strip away the distractions, to uncover the addictions and to use it all to point me back to Himself. And for that, I am grateful. Did you hear me? I said I am GRATEFUL! I can happily declare my pity party over (for now!), and my focus back on what really matters. Now that, my friends, is a reason to celebrate! BRING ON THE CARROT STICKS!!
Or: “Miniature Things I Have Made At My Daughter's Request”
More recently, while she was playing with her Quiet Book during a car trip, she announced that she needed a tiny teddy to go in the bed on the bed-making page. "You can make me one, Mummy!" she states with certainty that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. That night, while she slept, I pulled out my travel stitching supplies and just happened to have enough felt scraps to make her a tiny teddy in pajamas. Win. 
Ahhh, the sweet confidence. The delightful joy upon receiving her "order". I have asked myself more than once, "Am I spoiling her?" But my answer to myself is this: "She has a Mummy who spends many hours making stuff for other random people she doesn't know. It is good for her to benefit from these sewing skills for herself, and it's good for her to catch a love of creating and a confidence that it can be done. In a few years, she will have seen this process of design, sketch, cut out, stitch enough times that when she wants a new softie, she may actually sit down and make it herself." 
